Thursday, May 5, 2011


Upon sitting at the keyboard with tears in my eyes, just thinking of my momma, I ventured to to see what the "definition" of "mother" is. Not that I don't know already... having a mother and being a mother, what the TRUE definition is. I was thankful, yet surprised that it mentioned nothing of "giving birth to". 

My mother, Ruth Ann, she never carried me in her womb. She didn't wake up to excruciating labor pains and jump up with the excitement of THE DAY finally being here. She didn't call her doctor to prepare him for the upcoming birth.... none of that.

My mother, a young woman, was unable to have children. I can only imagine the heartache that comes with that. I know my momma prayed, I know she cried out to God, I know she spent many nights dreaming of a little one she could call her own. She never carried me in her womb, but she carried me in her heart. She didn't wake to labor pains, but the pain she suffered unable to bare a child, was just as laboring. She didn't call a OB/GYN, but I know she called on her physician, her creator, her best friend. She wanted a baby...more than anything. It didn't matter the sex or color of the baby, she was just desperate to hold and nurture a baby who would become a child and grow to love her best friend, her Father, her counselor, her GOD. 
God is so faithful, and loving. It wasn't that he didn't want her to have children, it's that he knew I needed her to be my mother. You see...when my biological mom conceived me, she was a mere 14 years old. She herself didn't have much of a mother. He knew, I needed Ruth and Ruth needed me. We were MADE for each other. Thank you Jesus!

My parents received a call that a little girl was born in Portland and needed a mommy and daddy. I have been told my parents hung up the phone and ran around joyously, acting like mad fools, lol. Their prayers had finally been answered, finally! They brought me home from the hospital at three days old, with a big red afro, turned up nose, freckles and smelly diaper! I was theirs, and they were mine. Just as God had mandated before my time, before their time, glory!!!

I was given 12 amazing years with my precious mother, before her life was traumatically taken. God GAVE me her, He didn't have to but he did. He gave me life, he knew that the love she had for me would be enough to sustain me for the rest of the time that she would be away in my life. In 12 years, my momma loved me enough to fill a lifetime. I'm so thankful.

When I think of my momma, I think of her soft, sweet face, her beautiful smile, and her catchy laugh. She smelled like Avon perfume, always. Her arms and fingers are so prominent in my mind, as I would rest on her arms while my daddy preached, and I would stare at her fingers while she played the piano like an angel. Her nails, natural, long and always manicured (every saturday she would do hers and mine). Her hair, brown and soft. I always tried to play beauty shop with her, and couldn't understand why she would cringe when I'd show up with the round brush, to only have my momma's hair in a bunch of tangles around that round brush, lol. Her voice, she sang like an angel. I remember one song in particular "Via dolorosa", she had a gorgeous voice and loved to praise the Lord, her King!

My mom was a funny cookie, hilarious actually. I'm sure as a women, she had some real low times in her life, but looking back, I know she would hide her pain from me with a heartfelt smile, and silly joke. 
My mom was so patient with me, so caring, so gentle, so sweet. I know she loved me just like she promised God she would. Above all, I remember my mom's love for her savior. I sit and occasionally read through her prayer journal now, and tears flow down my face, and my heart when I read her relationship with my savior. She truly loved him, and talked to him about everything. Her joys, her sorrows, her kids, her nieces, her siblings and parents... the list goes on. She shared it all with him, and TRUSTED him with everything she had. She was madly in love with Him :)

I know she is not sitting in Heaven rolling her thumbs waiting for us to join her, but that she is sitting at the feet of her sweet Jesus, singing, playing the piano and smiling at Him with all glory reflecting off her face. No sorrow, only praise. Sweet, sweet praise...with those beautiful arms and perfectly manicured fingers!

I miss her, I wish my kids had her, I wish she was just a phone call away... she's my momma! I know we will be together again someday, in our perfect glorified bodies, doing what we love to do...praising our King of kings.

It's not the labor or the birthing that makes a mother, but the labouring and unconditional love. 
I love you Mama, keep praising Him, I'm not far behind you!
Happy Mother's day, to the best mother in Heaven and Earth
and Thank you Jesus, for giving her to me, and I to her, you truly are an awesome God

Click on the blue words to hear a song I listened to always since my momma went home to be with Jesus... where she belongs 

1 comment:

  1. This is just beautiful Lanae! I am now sitting here in tears. Oh how I wish we all could have had more time with her. But that reunion on heaven one day will be incredible!!! ((hugs)) and Happy Mothers Day!